My Baby Shot Me Down....
Oh, I know, its tenuous. I needed to get a song in about shooting, and this would do. I'm aiming my sights low this season, namely to avoid the unmitigated disaster that was last season, and at least get back some normalcy not to finish bottom three times in a row.
Hence, despite a leaky Everton defence, a last minute goal by some Manc numpty, and Manchester United conceding a goal to leave me clean sheet-less, the offense provided me with some infusion of attacking intent with goals from the Rock of St Cross, I Left the L out of Alfonso assisting and missing, Art the Cheat with a goal and assists, and Elano of Troy scoring a penalty. More dives please Man City.
Comfortable mid-table obscurity will mean an improvement. And no down down down....screech...
If you don't know the song, GG, look here.....
The highlight of the week thoush has to be the striker I punted on collapsing in the warm up with a ruptured Achilles Tendon. Tart.
Monday 18 August 2008
Friday 15 August 2008
Rollin' In My 5.0.....
...is this years team name in honour of one of the Ice man's lesser known hits. Word to Your Mutha.
Well this year I have kept a core of last years promotion winners in Adebayor, Spagna, Downing, Tuncay and Rosicky. I have also gone for an alarming number of those who have given me ill counsel in the past....Nolan, Malouda, Sidwell, Dave Kitson...all have been in my teams and been risibly awful.
Given my previous history of allways picking the wrong Neville, watch Everton with interest this season and expect to see Neville, P, striding forward from central midfield and rifling the ball home from the edge of the box on at least 8 occasions. Hopefully Russell Osman will also get a few for the Toffees as I picked him up as an outside bet for a goalscoring midfielder.
Liverpool were a shambles against Liege so I avoided their players apart from the centre-back whose name looks like someone has punched the keyboard - Skljkl I think it is?
Shame the Lord was bidding for Geoff as otherwise one of the relegation places would have been already sealed although given the wooden spoon performance last year, the Lord needs to step up several gears or risk featuring in a commercial with small boys drinking milk and not knowing who he is.
Oh, and I am fairly confident we will see no three in a row!!!
The Grizzler.
Well this year I have kept a core of last years promotion winners in Adebayor, Spagna, Downing, Tuncay and Rosicky. I have also gone for an alarming number of those who have given me ill counsel in the past....Nolan, Malouda, Sidwell, Dave Kitson...all have been in my teams and been risibly awful.
Given my previous history of allways picking the wrong Neville, watch Everton with interest this season and expect to see Neville, P, striding forward from central midfield and rifling the ball home from the edge of the box on at least 8 occasions. Hopefully Russell Osman will also get a few for the Toffees as I picked him up as an outside bet for a goalscoring midfielder.
Liverpool were a shambles against Liege so I avoided their players apart from the centre-back whose name looks like someone has punched the keyboard - Skljkl I think it is?
Shame the Lord was bidding for Geoff as otherwise one of the relegation places would have been already sealed although given the wooden spoon performance last year, the Lord needs to step up several gears or risk featuring in a commercial with small boys drinking milk and not knowing who he is.
Oh, and I am fairly confident we will see no three in a row!!!
The Grizzler.
Thursday 14 August 2008
The Pointer Sisters
I am here to report that if the two-time reigning champion gets any more excited about this evening's Premier League auction, I believe he will spontaneously combust.
Wednesday 13 August 2008
From The Archives....1
Oh Yes. Remember the trouble this caused....
PAT CAUTHERY (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE RANT-MEISTER) AND HIS LOVELY HALF-TERM REPORT ON THE PREMIER LEAGUE
HEADMASTERS HALF TERM REPORT – SET ONE
BUTLER, G
As the youngest member of the class, I suppose it should not come as a surprise that Gareth has exhibited a certain lack of maturity this term. This has particularly been evidenced by Gareth’s tendency to try to pick all the best crayons before the other boys in the class have had the chance to choose. This disruptive behaviour must stop – form teacher Mr Boyce has my full authority to punish Gareth severely should it happen again. Mr Butler should abide by the School Rules and not seek to re-write them. It is also disappointing that Gareth seems to have slipped backwards from last years good work. He has been struggling to stay with the rest of the class – indeed he was inexplicably absent entirely from the first couple of weeks.
Half-term mark - D
HANNAH, D
After toiling to reach the top set David’s results in class have shown that at this level effort is not enough and some natural aptitude for the subjects being taught needs to be shown. Sadly David has been shown to be lacking in this area although his positive attitude in the presence of so many clearly brighter boys is to be commended. David still believes that he will finish top of the class, evidenced by his taunting of more able pupils, and I have recommended that he see the school psychiatrist. Another who must understand that the School Rules have been in place for a lot longer than he has been in the top class.
Half-term mark - F
TAYLOR, R
I was surprised at Raymond’s good performance last year and he thoroughly deserved his place in the top set after many years of struggle. However this term Raymond has been very quiet and perhaps overawed by some of the other boys. He was rumoured to be a difficult pupil, and certainly had a reputation as the school entrepreneur and technical wizard. His behaviour at the annual school prize-giving in the past few years has been a source of embarrassment. His performance, in terms of his behaviour and his ability has been a surprise. He has found the work difficult and often hands in work several weeks after the other boys (this contrasts with Gareth whose work is often submitted before it is actually handed out) and his disruptive influence has been minimal.
Half-term mark - D
MICHAELSON, S
An excellent terms work from Simon. Top of the class and I am hopeful that he will not let his standards slip later in the year as unfortunately happened two years ago. It is slightly worrying that Simon tends to panic when it appears that other boys are getting high marks and I hope that this will not cloud his mind when it comes to those vital exams in the last few weeks of the term. Simon is a quiet, studious pupil, who benefits from his various school outings to enhance his knowledge. His neurosis and diffidence may be his undoing at the end of year examinations. His distance from the under-achieving pupils has allowed him to concentrate on better classwork. He must not be intimidated by the rather noisy Head Boy, but focus on his ever improving work.
Half-term mark - A
LYNCH, P (Head Boy)
Peter L has continued his excellent work of last year and has not wasted any opportunities to remind me, his form teacher or the other pupils of this. Peter L is always first to raise his hand in class, usually a signal for bombardment with a hail of paper aeroplanes and rubbers from the other boys. My only concern is that Peter L continues to concentrate on his work and is not distracted by trips to Turkey, popular music groups such as S-Club 7 and causing tremors at the local girls school.
Half-term mark - A-
GEORGE, N
As the former head boy in Basildon Kindergarten, high standards are always expected from Nicholas and yet again I am afraid that while his performance in class has been adequate, it can be said to be no more than that. Nicholas should bear in mind the fate of another talented boy who thought that the bare minimum of work would be enough to get by, Christopher Leeds. Next year Nicholas must set an example to the other impressionable boys by finishing in the top half of the class (preferably top). He may be better channelling his energies towards his own work, rather than moaning at the standard of work Master Graham is allowed to contribute at Tottenham Technical School.
Half-term mark - B- (in view of high expectations)
CRABB, P
Peter C is a confident young man who is always top of the staff room sweepstake to finish bottom of the class. I have been quite impressed by Peter C’s results this term which have improved without the disruptive influence of Christopher Sutton who was expelled last year. A good term’s effort although Peter should realise that he is unlikely ever to finish top of the class. His role as the class sports club chairman has distracted him, and despite staying after school repeatedly, in an attempt to catch up more able pupils, his hard work and diligence rarely pays off.
Half-term mark - C+ (for effort)
CAUTHERY, P
Patrick has shown a remarkable tenacity in getting his work done, without ever using the excuses of faulty pens and calculators. His effort has been first rate, if not quite in the stratosphere of ability this year. He tends to get depressed at his failure to pass all of his exams last term, constantly looking up to the Head Boy when the going gets a bit more tough. His attitude to the more recalcitrant individuals in the class is always constructive. I am concerned that concentration may waver due to a lack of sleep, so could Mrs Cauthery please ensure that he is in bed by 9 o’clock please?
PAT CAUTHERY (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE RANT-MEISTER) AND HIS LOVELY HALF-TERM REPORT ON THE PREMIER LEAGUE
HEADMASTERS HALF TERM REPORT – SET ONE
BUTLER, G
As the youngest member of the class, I suppose it should not come as a surprise that Gareth has exhibited a certain lack of maturity this term. This has particularly been evidenced by Gareth’s tendency to try to pick all the best crayons before the other boys in the class have had the chance to choose. This disruptive behaviour must stop – form teacher Mr Boyce has my full authority to punish Gareth severely should it happen again. Mr Butler should abide by the School Rules and not seek to re-write them. It is also disappointing that Gareth seems to have slipped backwards from last years good work. He has been struggling to stay with the rest of the class – indeed he was inexplicably absent entirely from the first couple of weeks.
Half-term mark - D
HANNAH, D
After toiling to reach the top set David’s results in class have shown that at this level effort is not enough and some natural aptitude for the subjects being taught needs to be shown. Sadly David has been shown to be lacking in this area although his positive attitude in the presence of so many clearly brighter boys is to be commended. David still believes that he will finish top of the class, evidenced by his taunting of more able pupils, and I have recommended that he see the school psychiatrist. Another who must understand that the School Rules have been in place for a lot longer than he has been in the top class.
Half-term mark - F
TAYLOR, R
I was surprised at Raymond’s good performance last year and he thoroughly deserved his place in the top set after many years of struggle. However this term Raymond has been very quiet and perhaps overawed by some of the other boys. He was rumoured to be a difficult pupil, and certainly had a reputation as the school entrepreneur and technical wizard. His behaviour at the annual school prize-giving in the past few years has been a source of embarrassment. His performance, in terms of his behaviour and his ability has been a surprise. He has found the work difficult and often hands in work several weeks after the other boys (this contrasts with Gareth whose work is often submitted before it is actually handed out) and his disruptive influence has been minimal.
Half-term mark - D
MICHAELSON, S
An excellent terms work from Simon. Top of the class and I am hopeful that he will not let his standards slip later in the year as unfortunately happened two years ago. It is slightly worrying that Simon tends to panic when it appears that other boys are getting high marks and I hope that this will not cloud his mind when it comes to those vital exams in the last few weeks of the term. Simon is a quiet, studious pupil, who benefits from his various school outings to enhance his knowledge. His neurosis and diffidence may be his undoing at the end of year examinations. His distance from the under-achieving pupils has allowed him to concentrate on better classwork. He must not be intimidated by the rather noisy Head Boy, but focus on his ever improving work.
Half-term mark - A
LYNCH, P (Head Boy)
Peter L has continued his excellent work of last year and has not wasted any opportunities to remind me, his form teacher or the other pupils of this. Peter L is always first to raise his hand in class, usually a signal for bombardment with a hail of paper aeroplanes and rubbers from the other boys. My only concern is that Peter L continues to concentrate on his work and is not distracted by trips to Turkey, popular music groups such as S-Club 7 and causing tremors at the local girls school.
Half-term mark - A-
GEORGE, N
As the former head boy in Basildon Kindergarten, high standards are always expected from Nicholas and yet again I am afraid that while his performance in class has been adequate, it can be said to be no more than that. Nicholas should bear in mind the fate of another talented boy who thought that the bare minimum of work would be enough to get by, Christopher Leeds. Next year Nicholas must set an example to the other impressionable boys by finishing in the top half of the class (preferably top). He may be better channelling his energies towards his own work, rather than moaning at the standard of work Master Graham is allowed to contribute at Tottenham Technical School.
Half-term mark - B- (in view of high expectations)
CRABB, P
Peter C is a confident young man who is always top of the staff room sweepstake to finish bottom of the class. I have been quite impressed by Peter C’s results this term which have improved without the disruptive influence of Christopher Sutton who was expelled last year. A good term’s effort although Peter should realise that he is unlikely ever to finish top of the class. His role as the class sports club chairman has distracted him, and despite staying after school repeatedly, in an attempt to catch up more able pupils, his hard work and diligence rarely pays off.
Half-term mark - C+ (for effort)
CAUTHERY, P
Patrick has shown a remarkable tenacity in getting his work done, without ever using the excuses of faulty pens and calculators. His effort has been first rate, if not quite in the stratosphere of ability this year. He tends to get depressed at his failure to pass all of his exams last term, constantly looking up to the Head Boy when the going gets a bit more tough. His attitude to the more recalcitrant individuals in the class is always constructive. I am concerned that concentration may waver due to a lack of sleep, so could Mrs Cauthery please ensure that he is in bed by 9 o’clock please?
Grumpy Grump Grumps Grump
The new auction process sucks. Truly it does. People went fucking crazy the beginning. Then people had no money left and upped the prices on any half-decent talent there was. Goalkeepers, I’m sure, never went for 3.5 million. What’s going on? Of course the proponents aren’t going to say they were wrong, and I’ve suffered very badly under the old system when certain managers blatantly followed my lead when I was the top dog. Now I’m an old dog, that’s not going to happen, and no-one or nothing can excuse last year’s canine poop-fest of an auction, but as someone who did suffer, I can say that I preferred the old to the new.
I’m a firm believer that you can stop managers from winning in an auction, with people ganging up on you, furtively or ostentatiously. My last year before the break, I was definitely ganged up on – too many times the same people kept upping the bids by half a million to make me pay premium on players, and I ran out of gas and money. I knew then that once relegated, I wasn’t going to go through another one of them for a while. Now I’m one of the ordinary joes and no-one gives a fig what I do. In truth, I don’t really give a stuff either. I have a bloody wedding to worry about first!
Anyway, to battle.
I’m a firm believer that you can stop managers from winning in an auction, with people ganging up on you, furtively or ostentatiously. My last year before the break, I was definitely ganged up on – too many times the same people kept upping the bids by half a million to make me pay premium on players, and I ran out of gas and money. I knew then that once relegated, I wasn’t going to go through another one of them for a while. Now I’m one of the ordinary joes and no-one gives a fig what I do. In truth, I don’t really give a stuff either. I have a bloody wedding to worry about first!
Anyway, to battle.
2008/9 - The Disaster Begins.
Right....
Despite my worst ever Fantasy League season last year, I'm back to give it another go, and lo and behold, due to more dropouts than the GB road race cycling team at the Olympics (men), I have been promoted.
So we went through the new auction process, which was a complete load of old crap. People went off like nutters, the rest felt compelled to follow or else they'd be landed with a team that looked a lot like mine last season, and it resulted in each of the managers basically going through a draft rather than an auction at the end. Instead of an auction, it became more like a pick up game of football. The last bloke I picked up was Kevin Davies. Speaks volumes.
Anyway to analyse my outfit...
Goalkeeper - Tim Howard - probably not going to be as good this season - his team has a lot of bad vibes around it. But he cost nothing.
Full Backs - Evra is among the best there is, and Shorey is mid-range calibre, with a bit of attacking intent. They'll not let me down like Ashley Cole and Gary Neville last season.
Centre-Backs - Kolo Toure is one of my retreads from last season, and he won't have the African Nations Cup in the way this time around. Rio Ferdinand is as good as it gets (alongside the War Criminal) and Zat Knight is a pretty laughable back-up if he does not play. Compared to the missing link that was my second centre-back last season, this, again, will do.
Midfield - I am on a wing and a prayer here. Deco is the sort of player I despise, but he could do anything - be a dead loss or a big scorer. Phil likes him. Elano caught people by surprise and he is now a known quantity. Nani is going to come on a bit, so I like this pick up. Who knows how much Ryan Babel will play? Rosicky will be handy when he's back to fitness. Damien Duff can't be anywhere near as bad as last season, can he? How I go is how the midfield goes.
Strikers - Roque Santa Cruz won't get the same amount of points, but he's "their man". Robbie Keane is going to cause me squad rotation nightmares. Afonso Alves could be the surprise or a dud, who the hell knows? Bojinov scored against AC Milan for Manchester City - that's the basis on which I picked him up at the end. Kevin Davies is playing for a relegation candidate. Lord knows what he'll do. Viduka is currently injured, and I'll carry him for a month or so before I see what is happening. He's decent when fit.
I think this is mid-table fodder, but at least it is balanced. Last season's outfit were awful to manage, and at least I have the equal most money left.
I couldn't give a rat's arse about the other teams.
This year's team name - Challenger, Hindenburg, Titanic, Last Season. Let the disaster begin.
Despite my worst ever Fantasy League season last year, I'm back to give it another go, and lo and behold, due to more dropouts than the GB road race cycling team at the Olympics (men), I have been promoted.
So we went through the new auction process, which was a complete load of old crap. People went off like nutters, the rest felt compelled to follow or else they'd be landed with a team that looked a lot like mine last season, and it resulted in each of the managers basically going through a draft rather than an auction at the end. Instead of an auction, it became more like a pick up game of football. The last bloke I picked up was Kevin Davies. Speaks volumes.
Anyway to analyse my outfit...
Goalkeeper - Tim Howard - probably not going to be as good this season - his team has a lot of bad vibes around it. But he cost nothing.
Full Backs - Evra is among the best there is, and Shorey is mid-range calibre, with a bit of attacking intent. They'll not let me down like Ashley Cole and Gary Neville last season.
Centre-Backs - Kolo Toure is one of my retreads from last season, and he won't have the African Nations Cup in the way this time around. Rio Ferdinand is as good as it gets (alongside the War Criminal) and Zat Knight is a pretty laughable back-up if he does not play. Compared to the missing link that was my second centre-back last season, this, again, will do.
Midfield - I am on a wing and a prayer here. Deco is the sort of player I despise, but he could do anything - be a dead loss or a big scorer. Phil likes him. Elano caught people by surprise and he is now a known quantity. Nani is going to come on a bit, so I like this pick up. Who knows how much Ryan Babel will play? Rosicky will be handy when he's back to fitness. Damien Duff can't be anywhere near as bad as last season, can he? How I go is how the midfield goes.
Strikers - Roque Santa Cruz won't get the same amount of points, but he's "their man". Robbie Keane is going to cause me squad rotation nightmares. Afonso Alves could be the surprise or a dud, who the hell knows? Bojinov scored against AC Milan for Manchester City - that's the basis on which I picked him up at the end. Kevin Davies is playing for a relegation candidate. Lord knows what he'll do. Viduka is currently injured, and I'll carry him for a month or so before I see what is happening. He's decent when fit.
I think this is mid-table fodder, but at least it is balanced. Last season's outfit were awful to manage, and at least I have the equal most money left.
I couldn't give a rat's arse about the other teams.
This year's team name - Challenger, Hindenburg, Titanic, Last Season. Let the disaster begin.
Wednesday 23 April 2008
Stuff It...It Is the Cricket Season
Forget my lousy fantasy football team.
It is the cricket season now, and Fantasy Cricket is back....
More on the antics of the Super Six as they battle their way through the County Championship and Test Matches....
Nick and the Lord to fight out the honours.
Simon and Crabb to be on their heels...
Pat and Arthur to fight for the spoon of wood.....
It is the cricket season now, and Fantasy Cricket is back....
More on the antics of the Super Six as they battle their way through the County Championship and Test Matches....
Nick and the Lord to fight out the honours.
Simon and Crabb to be on their heels...
Pat and Arthur to fight for the spoon of wood.....
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